Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Sweet Meaningless Nothings

I just cleaned out my “Other” Facebook message inbox. Yes, there’s an inbox you may not know you have. It should be labeled as “Secret” or “Hidden in Plain Sight” or “I’m Here and Horribly Misunderstood.” Out of 45 messages, 40 were from total strangers who wanted a long and lasting relationship with me. Here are the highlights for your amusement:
  • “…wouldn't mind if you can welcome me into your world of perfection.” Perfection? Really? You can only see me from the neck up. Trust me when I say, perfection has a way of dissolving—like Marty McFly’s siblings in the photo he keeps tucked in his guitar strings.
  • “I was happy when l come across your profile, It was very nice and interesting of which one man will not appreciate the creature of God almighty in you....” If I were to edit that sentence…um…no…I really can’t…
  • “ Couldn't help but notice your calm posture.” Thanks, but it’s called a slump.
  • “ …your profile pic on here really look charming and you are indeed a paragon of beauty.” Thesaurus much?
  • “They say ‘A picture is worth more than a thousand words’ But when I saw yours, I was speechless. I'm Marvin and you are?” You know my name. It’s there by my picture worth a thousand words. Or maybe all those words blocked it. Then again, what would you know, Marvin? Your profile name is Barry!
And then there’s the sad man who gave me his full name, where he worked, his job title, where he’s based out of, his divorce status, age of his adult daughter, how many times he was married (twice, lost the first wife, divorced the second,) his hobbies, and his email address. To this man I say: Send me your full resume, yearly income for the past five years, ten references, medical files, and goals for retirement. Then, after the criminal background check, drug test, and proof of citizenship, we’ll talk. It won’t do any good, however, because I’m happily married…